Irregular
by eirabach
Summary: Ruffnut's having a baby. Astrid's having a bad day. Hiccup's having a drink. (Or: Rufflout, and the consequences thereof.) [Post-HTTYD2]


_A/N: I used to write humour, and then I wrote angst. Now I write this... I don't even know what._ _I had no idea I was such a Rufflout shipper! Rather rough but I wanted to publish something not entirely miserable.  
_

_Disclaimer: Not mine, guv._

* * *

Hiccup had tried on several occasions since becoming chief to delegate the role of 'controller of the twins', much in the same way that his father had so subtly and yet completely handed responsibility for them over to Hiccup at his earliest convenience. Hiccup's failure to find anyone crazy or stupid enough to take it on had weighed heavily on him over the years, especially as age, battle and marriage appeared to be having no effect whatsoever on either their sense or maturity. They had been discussed around the council table with all the seriousness and possible consequences of a declaration of war or threatened famine. With anything involving the twins there was always the risk that war and famine would _be_ the consequences.

So it was that Hiccup blamed himself. It wasn't misplaced guilt either; at least not if the accusatory glares and violent beating he was receiving were anything to go by.

"Ow! – Just – stop – leave it!" he span on his metal foot, attempting to twist under his attacker's arm and make his escape, but she was quicker than him, bringing her staff up between his legs with a sickening thunk that had him rolling on the floor and wheezing pathetically. Through the tears he saw her standing over him, spinning her staff over her head and ready to land the, frankly welcome, death blow.

"I think," Fishlegs sounded muffled, "that she's saying this is your fault."

Gothi brought her staff down in his solar plexus in confirmation.

It had seemed like a good idea at the time, as all the worst ideas tend to do. Just a nice patrol out over the western ocean, the gang together for old times' sake, minus, of course, Ruffnut who was in no fit state to be doing much more than waddling slowly around the village and making Snotlout's life hell. This had gone down like a drunken terror on several levels; Ruffnut had taken exception to Hiccup's apparently offensive concern, Astrid had taken offence on her behalf, Hiccup had given in for a quiet life and the 'nice patrol' had turned into a highly competitive not-especially-friendly race to the furthest edges of even Hiccup's knowledge of the archipelago. This was where they had landed, and it had all gone utterly to Hel. Obviously.

Fishlegs had dared to ask Ruffnut if she was feeling okay – a feat in itself as he'd barely been able to look at her since she'd done the unthinkable and married Snotlout – and Tuffnut had joined in with thinly veiled concern; apparently she had been writhing about like a Nightmare in a trap since they'd passed over Itchy Armpit hours earlier.

"She's fine!" Snotlout had crowed, sauntering over to put his arm round her, "Isn't that right oh vessel of my seed?"

Without pre-amble or pause Ruffnut had vomited violently down the front of his tunic.

That alone wouldn't have been cause for concern – Snotlout's pride at his proven virility was enough to make the most hardened warriors queasy over their mead – but it had been followed by the three most frightening words any man - any_ Viking_ \- could ever hear.

"The baby's coming."

Astrid had gone for help as soon as it became clear that Ruffnut was in no fit state to fly, and had returned with Gothi perched on Stormfly's back just as the sun began to set and the wind picked up. They had landed to find Ruffnut curled up in the space between Barf and Belch's necks, glowering menacingly at Snotlout who had worn a bare patch into the lichen of the bare little island. Tuffnut was also watching, running a flint meaningfully down the point of his spear.

Fishlegs and Hiccup had bolted over to the new arrivals – Fishlegs probably more trying to escape than eager to take over as translator – only to be met with a furious elder wielding a very hard staff.

Hiccup managed to heave himself into an upright position and held his hands out in supplication to Gothi, "Okay, okay it was my idea to come out here. But I told her to stay at home! I didn't drag her here against her will!"

Fishlegs shifted awkwardly from foot to foot as he hovered over Gothi's scrawled markings in the lichen, "She says you're the chief, so you have to take responsibility."

"Great," Hiccup crossed his arms, "yet another reason to be glad I signed up for that."

"I dunno what all the fuss is about," drawled Ruffnut from her dragon cradle, "I feel fine. I wasn't sitting at home getting fatter while you have all the fun. "

"Oh is this fun now because I missed that," spat Hiccup; Astrid was already stepping towards Ruffnut and reaching for her axe.

"You don't – you had me fly all the way back to Berk, you – " she stopped, squinting at Ruffnut's face, "Your eyes look weird."

"She kept yelling," Tuffnut shrugged.

"It was really loud," Snotlout wiped sweaty hands on his tunic.

"I tried to stop them," offered Hiccup, covering himself as best he could from the possibility of another assault.

Gothi limped over to examine Ruffnut close up, lifting her eyelids and sniffing her hair. Astrid approached Fishlegs, who was still jigging nervously, with her axe drawn.

"What," she began menacingly, Hiccup scuttled backwards out of her way but Fishlegs froze in panic, "did you guys do."

Fishlegs squeaked.

"Tuff thought it would be a good idea to feed her dragon nip," Hiccup glared at the offending party, who shrugged again. Gothi stepped back and began drawing again, Fishlegs side-stepped around Astrid to translate.

"She says – oh!" He relaxed slightly, "she says that was a good idea!"

"It was the best," Ruffnut nodded seriously, "I feel like I can just get on my dra– ARGH!"

Everybody jumped except Gothi, who rolled her eyes and started writing again. Fishlegs read and seemed to deflate.

"She says it doesn't last. She's glad you fetched her, Astrid."

Hiccup rolled his eyes, "Yes thanks so much for coming."

"So what do we do?" Snotlout stopped pacing close enough for Ruffnut to grab him and squeeze in time with her next contraction, "whaddawedo! whaddawedo!"

Fishlegs got paler watching Snotlout turn puce in Ruffnut's headlock, "Can I leave? This is making me really uncomfortable."

Without blinking, Gothi took her staff to the back of Fishlegs' knees.

Hiccup winced in sympathy, "I'll translate that for you. She said no."

Leaving Fishlegs prostrate and groaning, Gothi went back to examining Ruffnut, in ever closer and seemingly more irrelevant ways.

"Does she even know where babies come from?" Ruffnut grumbled as Gothi peered at her wrists and ankles, and then giving an offended groan as Gothi pulled on her tongue, "Seriously lady it is not coming out – ahhhh!"

Ruffnut wasn't the only one who jumped out of her skin as Gothi, quick as a flash, unceremoniously stuffed her hand up Ruffnut's skirt. Fishlegs, who had staggered to his feet, promptly fell back down.

"Odin's great hairy ball sack!" Ruffnut wailed as Gothi stood up, "What was that for!"

Gothi ignored her and reached into the small satchel she'd brought from Berk, pulling from it a small brass horn which she pressed to Ruffnut's belly and then put her ear to.

"Childbirth is weird," Tuffnut observed. Fishlegs nodded his agreement.

Eventually Gothi seemed satisfied and Fishlegs was forced to approach her to translate again.

"She says everything is as it should be. Now we just have to wait." Gothi wrote something else that made Fishlegs' brow crease. "And she wants to know if there's any mead."

Tuffnut pulled a skein from Belch's saddlebag. Gothi took it and settled by the fire, her back to them.

"Well," Hiccup rubbed the back of his neck, "that was comprehensive."

One by one, starting with Snotlout and ending with Ruffnut herself, every person turned to look at Astrid. She shifted from foot to foot and cast a glance over her shoulder towards Gothi's back.

"Why are you all looking at me?" she hissed. Hiccup almost felt sorry for her - it wasn't like Astrid to miss the obvious like this.

Tuffnut shrugged, "You're a girl."

Astrid rolled her eyes, but Snotlout nodded furiously.

"And not mute – OW!" he rubbed the back of his head where the stone had hit him. Gothi sat suspiously still.

"Old, not deaf." Fishlegs smirked, "It's been said before."

Ruffnut fixed Astrid with a look that wavered between being pleading and disgusted. "If you think I'm letting any of _them_ stick their fists up there you can get stuffed."

Astrid wrinkled her nose. "If you'd stuck to hands you'd not be in this position."

Ruffnut's body twisted in on itself as another pain hit. "Thanks," she panted, "that helps."

"Oh I'm sorry my experience is kind of limited here! Don't the men generally wait somewhere else?"

She narrowed her eyes at Fishlegs who nodded in agreement, "Yes it's very um... irregular. For men, that is, for us to... be... here. Now."

"We ought to be somewhere with mead," said Tuffnut, eyeing the skein he'd given to Gothi bitterly.

"Lots and lots of mead," Fishlegs agreed. Without his role as translator to distract him he was beginning to look a little pale and sweaty, his eyes darting about nervously. Hiccup patted him on the head, as he seemed incapable of rising from the floor.

Snotlout, meanwhile, was beginning to struggle in Ruffnut's grip, "Uh, uh I don't think she's going to let me go."

"No I'm not you stupid idiot it was your stupid idea that got me in this state!" Ruffnut growled, increasing the angle of her headlock so that Snotlout had to struggle not to choke on his words.

"Actually I'm preeeetty sure it was yours." he did, at least, have the grace to sound apologetic.

"Oh, yeah…" for a moment Ruffnut's gaze drifted into the distance and a sly smile crept across her face. Tuffnut caught Hiccup's eye and made a gagging gesture. Then Ruffnut stiffened and howled in pain again. Astrid glanced nervously at Gothi, who had relaxed against Toothless's side and was calmly scratching his chin.

"They're getting closer together, this is going quicker than I'd like," Astrid screwed her face up in concentration as if willing latent midwifery skills to suddenly make themselves apparent.

"Like its dad," Ruffnutt groaned. Snotlout turned, impossibly, even redder. Hiccup snorted.

"Isn't it all a bit quick?" Fishlegs seemed to be counting on his fingers, "You were married at harvest and that's only, what… seven months?"

Gothi cackled, but didn't turn around.

Hiccup patted the bigger man on the shoulder, "Oh. Oh, Fish. Just, try not to think about it"

Snotlout, restrained as he was, gave Fishlegs two thumbs up. Fishlegs slumped miserably.

"Ugh. I hate my life."

* * *

Hours passed.

The screaming bothered the dragons.

Toothless remained by the fire, front paws over his ears and only one large eye on proceedings. Hookfang had made off almost immediately and had yet to return, and Barf and Belch were locked in a battle of wills in which Belch, desperate to escape the noise, had stretched his neck as far away from his body as possible whilst Barf refused to leave Ruff's side. Tuffnut and Hiccup had found themselves sitting on Belch's outstretched neck, surreptitiously passing Hiccup's flask between them.

"What are they looking at?" Tuff gestured to Meatlug and Stormfly, who were nosing at Ruff's hair before scuttling over to see what Astrid was doing by the other girl's feet.

"They're probably wondering what all the fuss is about." Hiccup took a long draw from the flask and tried to ignore how clammy his palms had become.

"Yeah, like, why all this over an egg?" Despite the drink lightening his tone, Hiccup didn't miss the way Tuffnut's eyes never left his sister.

Truth be told, they were all starting to show the strain. Ruffnut had gone from being, well, _Ruff_, to being a wailing, sweat soaked creature with glazed eyes. Astrid, pouring with sweat herself from the second fire that Gothi had had them build as night set in, was looking ever more frantic, her hands shaking where they rested on Ruffnut's knees.

Gothi herself had long since abandoned her place of ease by the fire and was now propping Ruffnut up, untying her braids and occasionally gesticulating to an increasingly frantic Fishlegs.

"What now! What!" Astrid growled as Fishlegs stammered his way through another attempt at translating Gothi's demands.

"She says, she says you've got to push her… leg… Hold her legs back!"

Gothi nodded sharply. Astrid shoved her sweaty fringe out of her eyes and closed her eyes briefly. Only Hiccup really appreciated the fear mingled with the frustration as she spat, "I cannot believe I am delivering a baby through the medium of MIME."

Snotlout, who had been released from Ruffnut's death grip after several hours of suffering, was now pacing behind Astrid, his panic as clear and as annoying as his masculine pride had been previously.

"What is she even doing?" He whimpered, pointing an unsteady finger at Gothi, "She's just sitting around all smug and old with that stupid… stick!"

Astrid gave Ruffnut's legs a surprisingly gentle shake, "C'mon Ruff! You're making a big deal out of this – I thought you liked pain?"

"This baby's got a stupid – huge – Jorgenson – HEAD. It's alright for you your husband's a skinny little FUCK!" The effort of speaking seemed to be too much for Ruffnut, and her head lolled forward pathetically.

"People do this more than _once_?" wailed Snotlout. Astrid growled, but didn't turn away from her duties.

"Get it together Ruff!" she ordered. Ruff whimpered as she bore down again. This time as she caught her breath, Astrid looked around at the rest of them with shining eyes, "I can see it! It's got a head!"

"Yaye," squeaked Fishlegs. Hiccup finished the contents of his flask in one gulp. Snotlout crumpled to the floor.

"Sweet merciful Freyja, push!" Astrid yelled as Ruffnut flopped forward again, "You push or I swear I will stick my arm up there and pull it out!"

"I don't think you've missed a calling, babe." said Hiccup. Astrid spared a moment to swear at him.

"I can't do it." Ruffnut's voice was wrecked from effort and exhaustion. "I can't."

Astrid looked up, first at Gothi and then at Hiccup, the fear now stark and obvious. Gothi looked grim. Then, almost as if he'd been waiting for the chance, Tuffnut was there, pushing Barf's head out of the way to kneel at Ruffnut's side, his face and voice both softer than any of them had ever thought he was capable of.

"Hey, hey, yes you can. You can do it. Who can tip more yaks in one day than anyone else in a year? Who hung Hiccup's leg from the council room roof?"

"That was _you_?" cried Hiccup, aghast.

Tuffnut waved at him to shut up, "Who buried Snotlout alive?"

"Wish I'd left him there now." Ruffnut sniffed out a little humourless laugh.

Tuff took Ruff's one hand in both of his, "I believe in you, sis."

Hiccup and Fishlegs shared a look; this was all going quite a long way out of anybody's comfort zone. Tuffnut being the adoring, devoted brother could only lead to very, very bad things.

Ruffnut peered at her brother through narrowed bloodshot eyes, "If I get this baby out will you stop looking at me like that?"

Tuffnut shrugged. "Sure."

"Okay – hurgh!" With one final Thor-like effort Ruffnut pushed until a vein in her forehead bulged and a tiny, wet thing slithered surprisingly easily into Astrid's outstretched arms.

There was a long, silent moment.

"Oh my gods," Astrid whispered, stricken, eyes not leaving the little purple creature in her arms.

Nobody breathed.

Ruff made a tiny, pathetic sort of sound. Gothi unceremoniously dropped her, and, using her staff to crook the child from Astrid's grip, swung it upside down and walloped its tiny back with the flat of her palm.

"OH MY GODS!" shrieked Astrid in horror.

The baby coughed once, twice, and let out a thin reedy wail. Gothi dropped it on Ruff's chest with an expression that needed none of Fishlegs' translation skills. Tuffnut helpfully translated anyway.

"I told you so."

Ruffnut and Snotlout blinked at the baby. The baby blinked owlishly back.

"It's a b-b-baby," Snotlout stammered.

"What were you expecting?" groused Astrid, but her smile was as wide as her face and her eyes were wet.

"Huh." Ruff brought her arms up and thrust the baby at Snotlout. "Take it. I'm going to puke."

"What are you going to call her?" Astrid asked. Snotlout just looked down at his new daughter, his mouth moving soundlessly.

Hiccup, who had been waiting for years for Snotlout to be struck dumb, couldn't resist filling the silence.

"Oh don't tell me... Snotnut. Rufflout. Snufflott! Rotnout?" he winked at Astrid, who looked at him horrorstruck, slowly shaking her head.

Ruffnut wiped her mouth with the back of one shaky hand and met her husband's eyes over their daughter's dark downy head. They exchanged a meaningful look.

Hiccup groaned.


End file.
